by the way. I think I fell inlove tonight.... but I just walked away.

alright, heres whats up. I got a job at Savannah High, then I got laid off after 3 days. lame... So Im still at pedicab... AND PEDICAB IS FUCKING AWESOME!!! you just have to get used to the fact that you might not make any money sometimes... So I have this Bachelor of Arts in Spanish... lame... and no job. I had to quit the gym and cut back alot on things. It blows goat. I think my teeth are yellowing from all the coffee I drink and Im freaking myself out alot, having uncontrollable anxiety attacks. I had this dream that I went home with this kid from work and that we did "the deed" but I didnt dream about that part too much, but in the dream when I woke up the morning after, I left him 500 dollars on his nightstand and left... but I remember not wanting to leave... looking at him sleeping kind of on his stomach, kind of on his side.... thinking like "dont kid yourself maeburrows, he doesnt fucking like you" but I wanted to cry bc I wished that he did, and I wished that I was wrong. then I woke up for real wishing I never existed.

So I've realized that Im not in any potion to be accepting a relationship, a felationship, the shocker, or just the tip... I dont know what got into me this past year and some change. its fucking wrong. All this shit that the majority of people say...I've tryed the slut life... its not for me... and apparently right now.. neither is the monogamous or semi casual life.. maybe Kyra was right.. maybe Im just one of thoes people who where made to be alone? I think Im accepting that and its going to make me better at life.. just being on top of my own game and to stop hoping... and start believing in shit that I like... not living my life like "oh one day I might get married ect.. " lame.. that shit aint never gonna happen. I EAT NEW BORNS FOR BREAKFAST!

getting sick is so awful. I feel like Im getting FAT FAT FAT like AGUSTUS GLOOP FAT!!

My shit is in Russian and I cant change it. Why couldnt it be in spanish? I think Im inlove with the heilo sequence. I love my life... things that are upsetting me have nothing to do with me. The homo's depression has nothing to do with me.... OKAY this is how I've been living my life for the past few years.... I try not to do things that I would be ashamed of. Keep your eyes ahead.

May 24th Bitches

SO... I dont know why but I wanted to post something via internet today... and my myspace is gone and so is my facebook... They were all very lame to me... and sometimes livejournal is too. SAVANNAH!! I love it... My flaming gay friend Humperdink moved back here from Vermont the other day, he now lives in my storage room. FYI I love Humperdink, hes out landish and crazy. With in 24hours of moving here hes gotten laid and found a job. GREAT! I really miss Blake. Funny my friend in Gwinnett used to date a kid named Blake... I thought that named sounds so lame... Blake, dreake, FLAKE!!! whatever.. Im kind of a homo. So ..all this shit to do... first off Im trying to get good grades... I think I need to be left alone at school more. I gave blood on mondday MLK ( lets not forget that he cheated on his wife and his dissertation, and he now has a national holiday in his honor) and I've made myself sick from ridding my bike to and from school and working out and not eating so much... all because I read a statistic about an average Indian from India eatting 1/13 of what an american eats daily ... today is fuck around all day. Crazy shit.. A hair dresser woman who was 26 years of age was murdered by her husband because she changed her facebook to single... haha facebook.

SO Ive been trying to stay off Premo's dick... and shes still angry with me. I've even stopped hanging out with her and have been avoiding her so shes not so angry with me... Maebe its not me.. like for real... maybe... OR MAYBE IT ITS ALL MY FAULT AND ITS IS ME!!! HAHA!

Okay heres whats on my mind..I got rid of myspace and facebook. It got old... very old. I've gotten rid of it before... but... In think this time its for real... or at least for a good while... I really hate it.. I used to use it very rarely.. but then I started communicating with it... (lame).... I think Im about to cry... I have all these things running through my mind... I failed this class, I sent Blake back all of his stuff, I think I want to stay in Savannah and get my masters at times, at times like today... Im thinking that I want to go to Japan for like a year after I graduate... Im tihnking that I should go... go... before I the urge to settle down and have kids really kicks in, Im already feeling it... I look at children and think these things that I thought I would never, I see people hold hands I am a mess inside.. ... I dont know maybe its natural? I keep thinking about sex all the time... its really weird to me... I keep almost going home with people... it all seems like a good idea at times... then I think about it.. like really think about it.. and predict how the rest of the night would go.. and then the day after.. and its always a bad idea... Like... sometimes I think "yeah that would be fun".. but even if it were fun... I'd feel bad... ya know? Like when you are a little kid and you are comtemplating stealing sometihng, and you are all excited and you know you are about to do something wrong, but you want to anyway..... but you think about it, and it doesnt seem really all that worth it and you end up not stealing anything? Thats how I feel about sexytimes... like... its bullshit.. like... complete bullshit... Its been like this for awhile for me... like... on and off... like FOR YEARS.. Even (how old am I? 25...I was 18..) so for seven years... its been like this.. even when I had my first kiss.. it felt like a bad idea.. like "this guy?".. AND even to my damned suprise.. it felt like that with Steven... and I loved him... and we arent friends anymore... and I always thought... that he was perfect... I need to take some vitamins to lower my sex drive... because The Buffet I want to go to is not open for MF to attend... not open... I'd rather starve than settle for a shit ass-buffet... and I have a terrible feeling that I'd just end up going to one man buffet, to another, to a straight up "Dick- Buffet"... and that is not who iam... someone who settles...
The following is a loose plan to take up my time so I wont have any free time...
- I will wake up everyday and go running around forsthy... starting out 3 miles
- I will walk before work like another 3 miles...
- I will go to the gym with the premo when she asks me to
- I will do this every day this break.. b/c Im not going to ATL for a day and then back.\
Im such a bitch for wanting to cry...

Brave Jessica. I keep looking at these things and saying to myself "Christ" and Im scared to get fat... we stared calling it "brave" when you eat too much. today I ate... Toady I was BRAVE!!!

-1st feeding-
2 eggs with cheese (at my house)
apple with yogurt and rasins (at my house)
-2nd feeding-
ice cream (kiddie cone at Chick-fla)
fries (med, I shared with my intern)
7 nuggets (chick-fla)
-3rd feeding-
quessadila (at my school)

Ive started running more. like alot. its raining today.. so Im gonna pussy out. I'll go to the gym and not lift weights... I did that yesterday....

To work out more better

shit.. My face is breaking out... I think Im getting fat.. or fatter... some people can just work out and like see results... RAchel, Premo, EVERYONE me... Years.... Years... !!! I pretty damned happy

ALL along the eastern shore I come before you to proclaim that Ashley Holman is of great ness....

I feel alittle bit better complaining about dumb things on live journal, than I do on My space, or even in my own real journal... like on Myspace, hella amounts of people will look at what I write today and be like "there goes Mae mf.. bitching about being fat again." and in my real jounrnal... I tend to write about my romantic failings... and Im not so much a failure in that department anymore... thus.. this bothers me... Okay so.. as you know... I used to weigh a whopping 287 pounds some years ago... then I was like 240 forever it seems like then I weighed 267 (yes, two more pounds than "Lunchbox" weighs today, the fat kid at work) Then I got Sprited(yes, a Sprite was thrown at me and I was called Fatty) on earth day roughly 2 years ago, maybe 3 years ago at pedicab. Then I decided that I was indeed a Fat, Fat Fatty Mcgee. I began workout sessions. no results. I kept working out. No dice. Then somehow, I got thinner, and thus by the standered of today's social norm for what the vast majority of the Western culture deems "attractive" or more so than I was when I was mega mae. The other day Premo's grilphriend's house I weighed myself 196. Not 200 pounds anymore. Then today I weighed myself at DP's house 205... I guess thats normal for weights to move around like that, I have been drinking alot of water... and maybe one or both or the scales are slightly off... so I weigh like 200 pounds or so.. I hope closer to 196 than 205, but whatever. So I want to lose more weight. Im not sure how much. People say that Im alreadly attractive, or more so now than I ever have been. My good friend Banana told me that I shouldnt lose more that 30 more pounds. It kind of freaks me out to think "gee only 30 more pounds" as oppose to "gee I have to lose 100 pounds!" I do know as everyone around me knows, that Im jacked as hell. My legs are that of the proud island land which my blood flows from, muscular like a gladiator, I think its kind of gross, but some people think its really sexy, and because of this, I dont think I could weigh like 120 pounds and not look sickly. So... I guess I have

james.. he hung himself in the 9th grade, this lady who went to destry foster's church O.D.ed, this drug addict girl hung herself, elliot smith didnt he stab himself? alright- i think im going to fail this english class- and i dont want to join the fuckin army- i dont want to work a bullshit job... its last call no more notes

there is alot going on. Its far too much to put in here- everyone is ridding to tybee tonight- i think i'll pass- i have too much bullshit to do for school- fuck me up the ass HIV in latin america pols

this place earth is hell and heaven. the more i try to make the world a better place the more it does become. it is true, this i know-

hey! so it's true! I'm a fag!

I've decided to start looking for the love of my life on e-harmony.com!

any sugestions!

love
gay mae!

I have this friend in savannah that is/was an escort, hes also a drug addict(but tell me who hasnt been one?) hes really messed up and i was around him for a few days untill premo made him call his mom and check in to the hospital. Sometimes im sad, and i seem totally hopeless... but i really shouldnt be, like this kid has problems. i think that he makes them for himself, but nonetheless he has problems. He has everything, his mom is a doctor, his sister is a famous photographer, his brother a fantastic rich man. This kid could have it all. He has the parents, the money, but he still sells his ass, despite how much everyone cares about him. Sometimes i think it would be easyier to be other people, but i know it wouldnt be. life is rough no matter who you are, how much money you make, who your girlfriend is, how much your parents care... i guess the trick is not to think about it all, or at least all the negatives all the time or else I'll end up as an escort with a bad case of the clap-
I still hate boys, they suck- Im growing more and more gay every day