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"large and incharge"The Betrayal of Liliuokalani: Last Queen of Hawaii 1838-1917
20 most recent entries

Date:2011-08-31 12:30
Subject:Fag
Security:Public

I Called out sick today. I feel pretty terrible. I caughy whatever dagny pariai gave me, that faggot. Ive been trying to sleep it off and take vitamins... Whilest lounging about today i also decided to research wtf is wrong with me... Like romantically.. This is what ive learned : im not thin, im not and ive been fixing it for years, ive even started a long distance running regieme again, but not so
Asinine like the past ones ive done... And my friend mckenny trained me to do kettlebell to get smaller, so... I should actually see results in 6 months, i feel good( besides being sick right now) i also find myslef beating myself up... I always feel like there is something very wrong with me... Sometimes i feel invalid when i think about males im attracted to... And sometimes, or all the times i feel even more invalid when they dont find me attractive,or that they dont fancy me
Back... Well ive learned today that maybe i feel that way bc i think i can "make" someone be into me.... Like there is some formula to follow... When there isnt... At the moment.... I would like to date...
No one... I just find myself thinking about x lovers and damning myslef to hell bc, i really liked some of them, and always feel like it didnt work out because of me.... I didnt try hard enough, i tryed too much, i wasnt selfless enough... The truth is that its probably not my fault... Or their fault... I just hate feeling like i "lost" when i shouldnt feel like that at all. I shouldnt feel like there is something wron with me... My friends know that there is something wrong with me but they like me reguardless.

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Date:2011-08-25 11:56
Subject:restless
Security:Public

restless, restless, restless. agh agh agh. cant deal with it. cant. I give up, not with life but with... with... with... with... agh... i hate facebook, i hate sometimes i just feel like a failure. a BIG TIME failure

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Date:2011-08-25 11:52
Subject:age of consent
Security:Public

I quit. i quit facebook and i hate it. Ive been too scared recently for bullshit reasons. and im getting the fuck over it... ive been running alot.. im up to 6miles. i quit facebook. quit it. quit. it. i hate it. i hate it.

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Date:2011-08-19 10:07
Subject:haha
Security:Public

let me tell you a story, i met a boy, the first christian boy ive ever necked with ever. he was only 22 and hella put together, more put together than i... hes only ever been with one girl his entire life.. same one since he was 16.. when he left for the war she left him back in april. I got slippery with him way too fast... funny because usually my chief complaint with boys/men/males i date or neck with is that i don't go far enough :/ yes... anyways... i was a bit confused because the 22 year old, im gonna go ahead and use his real name because i doubt he has a live journal and if he does, he'll never find me, and if he does find me i don't care, so Shannon(yeah he has a girl name) made me dinner and would text me every morning at 530am and acted like he really fancied me... anyways we got slippery and he changed... i'll admit.. he wasn't that great at it... he did not return the favor and his other skills of trying to get me off were lets say.... lacking... but i liked him... so i could have put up with this...So Shannon doesn't call me the day after and sends me this text at 1am the next day "I feel like we just hit fast-forward on our relationship, im not ready for all that yet, ive never been alone and im going through a divorce, i want to be just friends with you" sounds like a cop-out to me... i do recall him telling me a story about the first time he had sex, he met his xwife when he was 16 in highschool, he told me that after they had sex that they felt so bad b/c of Jesus reasons that they didn't have sex again for like 1 and 1/2 years... then they got married... So anyways i was feeling very sad about this, i guess my rejection, or my whatever... My friend told me that i should go have sex with some random person i dont care about... i told her that that wasn't possible b/c ive never actually done... "the deed" and i dont feel like getting slippery with anyone i dont care for. i felt a connection with Shannon and thus... all that felt like the right things to do happened... so two nights ago i necked with some kid who rides a fixed gear about town... atheist with little to no ambition, he was a better necker than Shannon, more attractive, and more into better music, but he obviously was someone i couldn't see dating or building a life together with... i feel a little bit better about the Shannon thing...

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Date:2011-04-21 09:29
Subject:terrible dreams
Security:Public

I had another terrible dream... maybe i need to start living more

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Date:2011-04-12 09:19
Subject:too much
Security:Public

recently, or rather my entire life i feel like ive been helping too much when i should just be helping myself more

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Date:2011-03-31 08:58
Subject:
Security:Public

I had a bad dream last night. it was about this kid who i havent really talked to in an entire year(april 1st will be the anniversary of us not talking, i've seen him but i havent been real) And im going to tell you this story and it might bore you to death or it might not make sense because maybe you are on of the few people in this world who has never fancied someone who didnt fancy you back... I dreamed that i went camping by myself(i probably had this dream b/c i watched that film last night with dp and dixon the 127 hours or whatever where the guy cuts off his arm)So i went camping by myself, and i was kind of depressed in my dream at first. there were lots of swamp areas and the pampers and tilapia went with me and we had to use boats, canoe things to hoover around. I thought i saw blahblaha's truck at the camp ground. I was thinking that it couldnt be his truck. Then I returned to the camp ground after me and the dogs paddled around and at the camp ground there was news people and investigators saying that a possible dangerous and or suicidal man was hoovering about in the area and his fam was worried about him. I was thinking it couldnt be blahblah. The authorities appeared again and announced that they were worried that the man that was missing and had killed himself. Then i found his clothes and thought it could be him. Then they found him and he wasnt dead. I saw him, he looked at me, i walked away. I will always walk away from him. I will never call him. the last thing this guy said to me on april 1st 2010 was that to never call him until im over him. im never going to be over him, and hes just never going to be into me. I thought about emailing him just to tell him i had a dream about him... no dice. none. i cant i wont i shouldnt. He doesnt care or think about me at all.

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Date:2011-03-25 08:55
Subject:Oh CHarlie
Security:Public

Im not winning. im trying to win. hard, trying hard. but still not winning

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Date:2011-03-22 08:46
Subject:what i think
Security:Public

I dont think that everything is working out. I met a really cool kid named alex who is far too much like me. I hope he will be the life hetero mate of ed. He just moved to Savannah and was talking about life here in general. I told him I stopped going out, and now since im banned, basically forced into retirement from pedi-cab, there shall be no socializing for me here, infact i want to move from savannah because i cant work pedicab. (YES YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT!! THEY WONT LET ME COME BACK TO WORK FOR THEM!! THEREFORE SAVANNAH IS USELESS AND UNEXCITING FOR ME) well anyway I met this kid alex who asked me something about why i dont go out in puclic anymore... infact i loathe being in public. He premo and Ed all hung out at the wormhole the other night and told me that maryana works there. I gave maryana's dog away a few months ago. YES I DID THAT. I really liked MAryana I still really like maryana. on another side note she moved into my house, but never actually slept there. she just kept her dogs there, and i was sure she was checking on them and feeding them. Then i went to vacation with my fam for 3 days and the fags watched my doggies for me. They called me concerned about if marayana was checking on her dogs or not. I told them i thought she was, she probably was there when they werent. Then i got another room mate who was actually living with maryana's dogs and told me that he'd never seen maryana in 5 days, and has never even met her. So I texted her, or rather this dude that she was staying with, stating concerns about her not seeing her animals in 5 days. then she saw them for 2 days in a row after that, and i thought "thank god" a great relief came over me that she did care about her dogs... then she didnt see them for 3 more days in a row after that, then i gave one of them away, actually everyone was all about it, ethan,hutch, ed, dp, maria, moose. So i gave one to this guy that found one of the dogs months ago. well, gave maryana's dog away, just one of them, anyways, long story short, I cant go out in public without feeling bad when i see her, or even when i think about her, i miss her, i think shes an alright person, i dont hate her, but im sure she hates me. and i know we wont ever talk again, she'd want an apology that i cant give her. I cant say "Im sorry that i gave yer dog away." Sometimes i wish i never did give her dog away, my social anxiety has been amplified in public. Getting back to Alex, i told him that thats why i dont like going in public for fear of seeing her or something like that. Alex told me something very constructive.....that she probably(she being maryana) probably thinks that that was okay... just not to check on her animals for days. He also told me when people are drinking they are very selfish, well im pretty selfish and i dont even really drink. Well anyways, i told my partner at work about my anxieties i have in public about maryana, and he thinks that i have them because she should have them, but she doesnt, so i make up for it and have them. anyways i wanted to tell hutch(maryana's x who called me everyday to give thoes dogs away) about my new revelations and about how I was going to be in public more... but when i tryed to talk to him he was a total bitch to me, and all i was trying to say was "Im over it im going to be in public more" but no... he called me a headcase and told me to get over it... WTF!? IM A HEAD CASE?! yes yes actually Im fucking jealous of Hutch. He didnt actually give maryana's dog away, no.. he just called me multiple times a day to give it away... FUCK AND I DID IT. YES AND HE FUCKING TOLD ME TO. AND HE FUCKING SAW THOES DOGS AT MY HOUSE NOT BEING TAKEN CARE OF. And Im the bad guy, im the one whos the fuck up here, the one who maryana blames for her dog being given away. I cant even tell hutch how mad iam at him, i want to say "Im so pissed off at you b/c i gave maryan's dog away, she blames me, but her and i arent friend's anymore, but shes friends with you hutch" I even told hutch that moving her into my house was a bad idea. I thought it was a good idea, until i woke up everyday early to help move her into my house and i just couldnt find her(wouldnt be at her home/wouldnt answer her phone), and then i thought to myself "self, if this girl cant even move and keep appointments with me to help her move out of her home... then this whole moving her into my house is a bad idea, and its stresssing me out like alot" but hutch insisted that it would be a good idea. Good idea my ass. Anyway she and i arent friends anymore... and i cant tell hutch that im mad at him because of this... because he says "you are a headcase, you are so screwed up" WHATEVER HUTCH!!! I feel a non romantic affinity for hutch and i just cant "stop being friends" with him, but Im god damned over his bullshit about calling me a headcase, yeah, im a fucking headcase because Im mad that im not friends with maryana anymore and he is...when i just fucking did what the fuck he asked me to do... GOD DAMN IT. Im taking a break from hutch... I cant stand him calling me a headcase... wtf? and there are many instances where i can cite that hes a headcase... exhibit A) when we were planning to drive to atl together so he could see his fam, then tells me 30minutes from departure time that hes is sick and asked us to pick up his presents from his mom's house... so pre and i leave for atl with out hutch, and pick up his gifts from his momma's house. haha funny because dagny said that hutch was surfing like 2 hours later that day... Maryana talks and calls everyone Moose, hutch and even joel(the man we gave the dog away to). but not me... yeah i kinda had a crush on joel, but it was like a jesus things 'he saved that dog from being neglected.' and now im even more psychotic about hetero feelings... and more suicidal about me being into people it just gets worse, but im trying to get better at just being me...and im failing miserably. FAILING at everything. Failing at being a hetero, failing at friendships FAILING. when an individual does the right thing... they fail... when they do the wrong thing.. they fail... FAIL FAIL FAIL. Maeburrows=epic failure...Maybe i can learn from all this... what ive learned is lesson#1) dont let hutch move someone into my house(why the fuck couldnt he move her into his house?) lesson#2) boys will never fancy me. lesson #3)I should stop trying with my hetero interests b/c doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is the definition of insanity and i have a 100% fail rate with that bullshit. lesson # 4)

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Date:2011-03-19 17:03
Subject:this city
Security:Public

so I dont think i'll be moving anytime soon. there arent many jobs anywhere. I can barely go to practice and my car is about to die. DIE I TELL YOU. I think im gonna buy dp's mom's car soon

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Date:2011-03-16 10:51
Subject:and I got rid of my facebook
Security:Public

too many people knew about it. Only nerds like me livejournal anymore

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Date:2011-03-16 10:42
Subject:saint pats
Security:Public

For the past seven years Ive worked every saint pats at pedicab. This year I wasnt allowed to come back. It kinda hurts. I got mad mad mad and my other job told me they needed people to work saint pats so I signed up for a shift that was 7am-2am. Today Im at work for 24 hours then tomorrow Im going straight to the crazy exciting over time. I saw a parade on willimgton island(and I dont understand willimgton island, its just houses and houses and more houses, just like any suburb)and it made me kinda want to go out on saint pat's tomorrow. I'll probably be sleeping when I get off. They told me that they might hold me. Haha funny stuff. I didnt go to rushell's going away party last night.Its all great.

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Date:2011-03-10 21:32
Subject:jon howeel
Security:Public

jon took it upon himself to drive him and chinaman bryan and luke myers to savannah thanksgiving day to tell me off. he drove up to savannah from jacksonville 2 hours in the middle of the night to tell me that i ruined thanksgivining. He told me that since my dislike for premo's bbs (aka Big Black Dick aka boyfriend) kept me from attending thanksgiving at her house. he told me that im batshit crazy b/c he thinks bbd is an okay guy all b/c they dropped acid together and had some bond over the course thanksgiving dinner. he asked me why the fuck i didnt like this guy I began to tell him "BECAUSE HE CHEATS ON HER AND SHE SUPPORTS HIS ASS AND HE STOLE OUR WATER AND ELECTRIC MONEY" jon then told me that I was crazy and that I just needed to be happy for my sister. I kindly told him that that was bullshit. that i wasnt going to pretend that I was okay with some asshole putting his dick in my sister's mouth and fucking every god damned fucking vagina in town while he drives her fucking car that i made the down payment on while shes in the damned navy... fuck that. Jon said that all my arguments were invalid. #1) invalid according to jon:the cheating on her argument, i'd seen it with a fleet of pedicabers in forsyth park at jazzfest, she fucking told me that he cheated on her, i dont understand how that was admissible.#2invalid according to jon: he pays all their bills- fact. #3)invalid according to jon: he stole our electric and water money- no one else was home to do it, and why the hell would premo and i steal out own money?. well jon told me that i should be happy and let my sister be happy. fuck that she wasnt happy and i knew it. happy forsaking everyone, and being lied to, and anyone who was premo's friend and saw that fucker knew he was a bad guy. I'd say she might have been happy being miserable MY DAD LIKED HIM!!!! anyways, premo finally kicked his ass out b/c she got sick of his cheating and supporting his ass. and shes finally talking to everyone . dp and ed, and fem heil again. Did I mention premo's dog mauled bbd's ass? yeah. piece of shit guy, pre's own fucking dog attacked bbd multiple times, so bad that he had to go to the hospital. I wasnt lieing or crazy. bbd did do all that shit to premo and how dare jon say that shit? he wasnt here. he didnt see all this shit. he didnt see any of this shit. he didnt have to see premo 1/2 fucking dead. He didnt see random bbds eat my sister's food and drive her car and sell my god damned bicycles behind her back and have her buy them back for me .but some how Im the fucking crazyone? ok. Im fucking crazy. yes b/c i dont fucking want to see some asshole take advantage of my sister. yes Iam crazy then BECAUSE EVERYTHING I FUCKING SAID ABOUT THAT FUCKER WAS TRUE IT WAS ALWAYS TRUE WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE MAKE THAT SHIT UP!? maybe i shouldnt be mad at jon. maybe i should be mad at premo's ass b/c she was probably the one saying that i fabricated all that shit. fuck that.when pre was fucking with the other bbd in atl i fucking went to his work and threatened to cut his balls off then he told me that she called him, and i told him if he wanted to keep his nuts he wouldnt answer her calls(that fucker who worked at the fucking earl) I wont do that anymore, premo is a grown up. but i will try my best to protect her and tell her what the fuck is going on. if you (you plural)wouldnt do that for your friends or family what the fuck good are you? you are nothing and no one will remember you when you die

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Date:2011-03-10 21:03
Subject:gay
Security:Public

I ate an ice cream today. yes a 100 calorie slim a bear mini sized klondike bar... it tasted so good. Ive resorted to not working out while at work b/c it seems like everyone calls 911 when I work out... so yeah... so my whole twice a day thing. excitement. Saturday I hang out with femheil! yeah... My friend roshell is leaving town and i cant go to her going away party. I cant do anything hopefully Im working on her going away party so I wont have to go, if i go I'll just feel awful b/c I think alot of her friends suck. and yes i know roshell has a lj. and she knows that i think shes awesome. she doesnt need me to tell her that. you see Im having a terrible social problem, like an unsocialized animal I just say things that I mean, particularly to the breed of people that will probably be at roshell's going away party, for example "my mother thinks your retarded" or "youre a white bitch"... alittle uncalled for I'd say, alittle inappropriate, I would not say that in uniform, or at work, but I have any god damned right to say that when Im just being myself, and people fucking hate me for that.While Im at it I might as well get it all out my frustrations at hutch. Ive tried to tell him how upset Iam with him and he dismisses me. I told him that moving bella's former owner into my house was a bad idea... he did it anyway. I dont hate her, I actually miss her and appreciate maryana very much so...Im so pissed at hutch b/c he dismisses my feelings. besides, he cant fix this. he just tells me to get over it. yeah well she hates me and i feel like he doesnt give a fuck. but then again, why would he? hes not the one that has to deal with feeling like shit and god damned social problems and guilt, he didnt lose a friend or become a bad guy, and Ive brought this to his attention multiple times and he dismisses me like Im a crazy ass. Maybe thats a good thing. worst case senario is that he makes me talk to her again and shes gonna want an apology, and i cant give her one, at least not the one she wants to hear. And i also lost captain morgan to this bullshit too... yes and i do think she is worth a shit. agh... god. i dont feel good. and hutch keeps calling me and asking me if im mad at him and why i dont go out. and when i tell him he just tells me to get the fuckoverit. im sorry im sorry i cant

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Date:2011-03-10 09:38
Subject:shit to do
Security:Public

Ive started working out twice a day (just like brushin' my teef) And I feel like Im not going to be hanging out as much, its all futile. Pedicab doesnt want me to work there anymore. Its kinda bizzar. whatever maybe they are right, maybe I need to be doing other stuff instead of working all the damned time. yes... other stuff Im in the process of cleaning my room and it sucks... Im going to fix that damned six string and shit like that and buy and amp as soon as I pay off the shed. Dont worry, later bitches

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Date:2011-03-10 08:21
Subject:
Security:Public

ok. I think that its too hard for most people to live with me. my Mennonite-like ways are too bizarre for most. my electric bills was eight dollars for a long time. then with kenken it was 23... NOW WITH MOOSE ITS LIKE 150!! yes... that much. I cant believe it. Lights on all the time, space heater on all the time, water running while brushing of teeth. dvd player, tv on on on on all the time even when no on is watching it. yesterday some of the electricity in the house wasnt working, but the fridge was so I didnt care. Moose called me alarmed... I didnt know what to say. I dont have money to fix that and I kinda dont want it fixed b/c I cant afford it... any of it. I cant afford to have the damned dvd player on and the lights on all the damned time. Agh. I really like him and hes my friend and hes done nothing but help me... I just cant live like that. i dont have the funds to do so. On a more personal note... its come to my attention that Im a complete failure in the romance department. I have crushes on guys and im always afraid of them, they scare me to death. whenever i meet an attractive man it makes me want to slit my wrists and die forever. I dont know why. and its even worse when I think for some stupid reason that they fancy me back, or the tell me they do, and or their friends confirm it... then then then I avoid all interaction at all costs. God damn why cant i just be normal?

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Date:2011-03-04 08:38
Subject:
Security:Public

Im hella stressed out. I havent ran my dogs in 2 days, and my friends who I all love are irritating me in more ways than I can explain. I like all the over time at work, but Im its hard on me... I gotta pick up my room, the Premo took a dresser out and ive left it... just left it. its been months now. months damnit. and its just there there there there eveything is just there. I have to stop hanging out with my friends. not because I dont have money... but i need to save money... NO MORE NO MORE!!! but if i say i dont have money to go out to eat... they think something is wrong with me. HOLY HOLY shit HOLY SHIT REMAIN CALM

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Date:2009-09-24 00:58
Subject:
Security:Public

by the way. I think I fell inlove tonight.... but I just walked away.

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Date:2009-09-24 00:41
Subject:they said he cant get free coffee
Security:Public

alright, heres whats up. I got a job at Savannah High, then I got laid off after 3 days. lame... So Im still at pedicab... AND PEDICAB IS FUCKING AWESOME!!! you just have to get used to the fact that you might not make any money sometimes... So I have this Bachelor of Arts in Spanish... lame... and no job. I had to quit the gym and cut back alot on things. It blows goat. I think my teeth are yellowing from all the coffee I drink and Im freaking myself out alot, having uncontrollable anxiety attacks. I had this dream that I went home with this kid from work and that we did "the deed" but I didnt dream about that part too much, but in the dream when I woke up the morning after, I left him 500 dollars on his nightstand and left... but I remember not wanting to leave... looking at him sleeping kind of on his stomach, kind of on his side.... thinking like "dont kid yourself maeburrows, he doesnt fucking like you" but I wanted to cry bc I wished that he did, and I wished that I was wrong. then I woke up for real wishing I never existed.

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Date:2009-05-04 13:16
Subject:GAY
Security:Public

So I've realized that Im not in any potion to be accepting a relationship, a felationship, the shocker, or just the tip... I dont know what got into me this past year and some change. its fucking wrong. All this shit that the majority of people say...I've tryed the slut life... its not for me... and apparently right now.. neither is the monogamous or semi casual life.. maybe Kyra was right.. maybe Im just one of thoes people who where made to be alone? I think Im accepting that and its going to make me better at life.. just being on top of my own game and to stop hoping... and start believing in shit that I like... not living my life like "oh one day I might get married ect.. " lame.. that shit aint never gonna happen. I EAT NEW BORNS FOR BREAKFAST!

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